Dear Mr. Iger,
Hiya, pal! Gee willikers, things sure are changing fast. Seems like just yesterday I was piloting a boat powered by good ol’ fashioned steam and you were suing the whoopsie-daisy out of anyone who so much as drew me in the corner of their soft-serve truck. Ha-ha!
But now, boy oh boy, you’re letting folks create AI videos on Sora using me and the gang? Golly, that sounds swell. Sounds swell.
You know I’m a company mouse, paw to tail. Ha-ha! Entertain the children by shuffling to classical music in a sorcerer’s hat? If you say so, boss! Get serenaded by Minnie in a rap parody called “Ice Ice Mickey” on the Mickey Unrapped album? You betcha! Let Cheech Marin kick me in the whoopsie-daisy during a musical number in my 1988 60th birthday celebration on NBC, after sitting at the Cheers bar where they serve alcohol? Hot dog!
I know you invested one billion smackers in the wonderful OpenAI and are going to put some of these user-generated AI videos on Disney+, but, gee whiz, we have a hullabaloo of a thingamajig going on!
It turns out folks on this Sora thing are having me do some stuff I don’t like doing fancy one bit, no sirree! I know you agreed that folks can’t have us drinking, using drugs, or having sex — penovaginal or whoopsie-daisyal. But, jumpin’ Jehoshaphat, it turns out that leaves a whole heap of supposedly fun things that I never, ever want to do again.
For a few seconds I had six fingers on each hand, which is two too many. Ha-ha! Also, even though he’s a swell guy, I don’t know why I have to take 1,000 selfies with Sam Altman. Have you clapped eyes on Five Nights at Mickey’s? Gosh, I couldn’t follow a second of it, though I believe that was a problem in the source material. Ha-ha!
I thought I was coming in for regular ol’ “get ready with me” video, but they took the beauty products and tested them by rubbin’ em right on my ol’ eyeball. That sure smarts!
Nothing too silly happened, but, aw shucks, I don’t know why you wanted me to go to Club 33 with that fella Jeffrey Epstein. I took my head off at a theme park, and, golly, do you know what was underneath it? Chuck E. Cheese! I don’t remember shaking hands with Cousin Greg at any board meetings, but he told me some silly stuff about the cruise division that, oh boy oh boy oh BOY, makes me want to never set a paw in the Bahamas again.
When I was told I was going on a super-secret mission way down underneath the Pirates of the Caribbean ride to bring Walt back, gee whiz, was I excited! But the way they had me thaw the ice was not something Walt would have liked one bit, no sirree!
I wasn’t there, but I’ll never be able to unsee the one where Pluto has Goofy on a leash. I believe Disney’s legal team knows how I feel about that kind of woke bullshit.
And it’s not just about me, Mr. Iger. Do you know what Sora is willing to make? Song of the South.
But don’t worry, pal. You can just undo this Sora deal. Why, it’s as easy as un-retiring. Ha-ha! In fact, it just took me 45 seconds to make a video of your press conference announcing it. Golly gee, I hope you put it on Disney+ right away!
Your loyal castmember,
Mickey
